French Etiquette : 10 Cultural mistakes to Avoid
“When in Rome, do as the Romans do”.
Understanding French etiquette and social norms can help you settle into life in France and avoid making any unfortunate faux-pas. The word faux-pas translates to ‘false-step.’ Literally, it means to blunder or to make a mistake, but with regards to a particular set of cultural norms. There are countless books written on this topic because it is so detailed and intricate.
This week, French à La Carte has listed 10 cultural mistakes to avoid if you’re living in France, or even if you are just having short social interactions with natives in shops and restaurants.
1 - Don’t get too friendly too soon
Asking personal questions and oversharing your own personal stories in the wrong setting can make your French companion feel awkward at best, and at worst, they may think you are being rude by crossing the boundaries of intimacy.
Asking a French acquaintance how they met their partner, for example, might seem innocuous, but would be an awkward question for some French people. According to psychologist Kurt Lewin this means that French people don’t like sharing their personal lives so freely with those not in their inner circle. This is the opposite of other cultures like the US, who open up to all.
This is of course a generality, as not all the French are unreluctant to unveil their private life to people they don’t know well.
One of my students was pleasantly surprised when he was in Cannes and met a French person who lived in the same building as him on the staircase. This neighbor asked him whether it was possible to visit my student’s flat, as he had heard that it had been recently beautifully refurbished. My student was at first quite surprised, as he knew that the French don’t usually become so familiar so quickly, but he finally accepted, pleased with this spontaneous request.
2 - Don’t be too direct and use polite expressions all the time
Instead of saying “Bonjour!” say “Bonjour Madame!” or “Bonjour Monsieur!”. This is so much more respectful and esteemed!
One simple word can make a significant difference. Also, keeping in mind that the French are all about closeness and solidarity, when you need help, eg: advice, directions, before asking for information, make sure you start your sentence with “Bonjour, excusez-moi de vous déranger mais j’ai un problème…”
Now you have their attention, now you have shown respect and now they want to help you!
3 - Don’t smile too much
My foreign students tend to say that French people don’t smile and look like they bear a heavy burden. On the contrary, other cultures, among which the American one is well-known for its optimism, smile all the time, at everybody. They smile at the people in the elevator; they smile at passersby on the sidewalk. Everybody gets a smile and it is considered rude not to smile. The smile is free and ubiquitous, like air or sunshine. It’s expected and polite. Everyone gets a smile but in France, French people perceive the smile differently to Americans.
In France, the smile is a gift; one is bestowed a smile. The smile can be a surprise, a signal, a reward, an invitation. It can be many things, but it is always an offering, a well-earned treasure to receive. In France, people do not expect, nor feel obliged to pass around smiles. But I promise, French people do smile, and when they do, it comes from inside their hearts !
4 - Don’t be too enthusiastic
This point extends or develops the third point (above this one). To visitors from other parts of the world, especially in France, Americans can come across as excessively positive and share their sunny exuberance with highly emphatic words. They frequently use words such as: excited, awesome, amazing that reflect their optimism. French are more reserved and don’t necessarily express verbal excitement on a day to day basis.
From my perspective, it doesn't mean that we are always negative or grumpy, but perhaps we are less emotionally invested in things we are enthusiastic about.
We tend to use more nuanced words when we react positively to something (yes, I promise, it sometimes happens!). My students and I often joke that their cooler, calmer, more reticent sides come out when they are speaking French. This is not, then, a mere question of translation, but rather a question of culture.
5 - Avoid certain topics: religion and money
Faith and prayer are very private matters here. France is in majority a Catholic country, but there is a peculiar dichotomy between religious beliefs and society. The public sphere and religion are supposed to be entirely separate, a concept called laïcité (or secularism). Religion in general is not a topic to bring up with people unless you know them well.
Another topic to avoid is money and wealth, particularly inquiring about the financial status or salary of a French person unless you are close friends. It seems like common sense; however, this is slowly changing; more and more people speak about wages and the money they earn and it is not as taboo as it used to be.
If you don’t know the person well, stick to safer topics and start the conversation with more engaging issues such as travel, the local context, culture, or the weather. Unlike other countries, French people like politics and love having passionate debates about politicians so why not bring up this topic if you are informed about the current affairs in France. They will be very pleased to answer your questions as something is sure: in France everyone has an opinion or a comment to make about politicians, bills, preparations etc.
Certain topics such as food are usually much more appreciated at a dinner with French people. When invited to a dinner party, why not ask your host questions related to the food you are eating: the recipe, the quality of the ingredients and the local producer or shops where she/he bought them, the chef who inspired the recipe is always highly appreciated.
6 - Don’t use Tu all the time
Don’t use the Tu form, unless you are being addressed as Tu. Say Vous until someone clarifies the social situation.
Vous is used in any formal situation where you encounter a person or a group for the first time and wish to show hierarchical respect. Always keep in mind that many French are still quite conservative and hierarchic status still regulates social interactions.
But thankfully, amongst the younger generations or in more « relaxed » sectors such as in the media, new technologies, startups, the arts, Vous is becoming more obsolete while Tu more current.
Many of my students don’t like using Vous, as if Tu were more natural, spontaneous and user-friendly. This is both true and false. Remember that we – from early childhood onwards – may spontaneously use Vous with strangers. It’s a natural thing for us.
7 - Don’t arrive on time when invited to French person’s house
When invited, French people arrive a bit late, maybe around 10 to 15 minutes.
I know, it sounds weird and even rude to foreigners. Don’t arrive exactly on time in France. When you are invited to dinner, fifteen minutes late is ideal.
While in many countries this may be considered rude, in France this is a golden rule. But be warned: for meetings in a company with French colleagues, this rule obviously doesn’t count. In this situation, it will be very appreciated to arrive right on time!
8 - Don’t be too impatient with the waiters in restaurants and enjoy the slow experience
Travelers often complain about the slowness of the service in restaurants in France. Eating is a slow experience. A social engagement with friends, family, and loved ones. So, don’t complain to the waiters about the length of time they’re taking.
When you go out for a meal in France, you cannot expect your food to be cooked and served under 30 minutes. Nor should you devour your food without pausing to enjoy the whole experience, not just the food but also the wine, the company, and the conversation.
If you want to eat as the locals do in France and experience the gastronomical culture, slow down. Sitting down to dinner with friends or family is meant to be a process. The lingering feeling of eating, talking, and spending time with your companions is the focus.
9- Don’t forget to make eye contact when you cheers to something
This act is a two-fold tradition, you must make eye contact when clinking glasses, and you must cheer each person individually whilst ensuring to never cross your glasses. So, prepare yourself to take a few moments to salute everyone before you take your first sip. This may seem extraneous; however, it shows respect and acknowledges each person, which is quite a beautiful sentiment.
10 - Don’t wear too many flashy colors
Always remember that less is more so try to avoid wearing eccentric clothes and flashy colors.
If you receive an invitation for a dinner party, it is recommended to dress in a chic way, with quality fabrics and a nice cut, but avoid overdressing, as this can easily be considered bad taste. And don’t forget that you can look very chic with a nice pair of jeans! In terms of clothes, the golden rule remains “Less is more”. And that is possibly why French women nail the “effortlessly chic” look.
So, now that you have been briefed on some essential French customs, this should help you avoid any gaffs on your next trip to France, ensuring that you have a pleasant experience along with all the people you encounter.